Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MelvinofYork's best tweets

@MelvinofYork : Me: god you're sexy Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@MelvinofYork: My mom used to say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and I'd be like "I've already got something, but thanks"

@MelvinofYork: Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

@MelvinofYork: She said "you're dead to me" but I suspect she's planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@MelvinofYork: I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said "YOU KNOW WHY" and now I'm just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@MelvinofYork: Whenever somebody says "it is what it is" I reply with "and it's not what it's not" so they'll realize just how stupid they sounded

@MelvinofYork: Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

@MelvinofYork: Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition

@MelvinofYork: My dog thinks I'm the most amazing person on the planet but I don't let it go to my head since I'm pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@MelvinofYork: My daughter just straight up out of the blue said "daddy if you ever get shot I hope it's in the belly so your fat will save you" WTF