@MelvinofYork: My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
@MelvinofYork: What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
@MelvinofYork: I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
@MelvinofYork: It's bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
@MelvinofYork: Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
@MelvinofYork: *watching tv
Me: "Don't just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there's still time! God, I can't watch"
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
@MelvinofYork: Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
@MelvinofYork: I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I'd still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
@MelvinofYork: The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss's good qualities and the best I could come up with is "he's biodegradable"