@MelvinofYork: *watching tv
Me: "Don't just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there's still time! God, I can't watch"
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
@MelvinofYork: Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
@MelvinofYork: I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I'd still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
@MelvinofYork: The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss's good qualities and the best I could come up with is "he's biodegradable"
@MelvinofYork: I just told my boss that "STFU" stands for "Sincere Thanks For Understanding" and it's REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
@MelvinofYork: If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
@MelvinofYork: My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
@MelvinofYork: My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
@MelvinofYork: Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.