When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Only short people can save us
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.