Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]