Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.