I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
This is a sub tweet
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed