Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I hope this email finds you in a well
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.