Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
no such thing as a dumb question
It was worth a shot 😂
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
my proudest tweet
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft