How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You Might Also Like
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Hamburger Hinderer.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
This trial is so absurd 😭
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.