Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out