@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful
@Michael1979: VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan's theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it's me
@Michael1979: At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
@Michael1979: Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
@Michael1979: There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
@Michael1979: Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
@Michael1979: Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
@Michael1979: OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
@Michael1979: New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone.