Funny Tweeter

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Page of Michael1979's best tweets

@Michael1979 : Am not being sponsored to say this but if you're like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out "jeans". They're like jean-shorts but longer.

@Michael1979: Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@Michael1979: Don't know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have "definitely broken the world land speed record" by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@Michael1979: Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

@Michael1979: 5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I'd probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

@Michael1979: If my dad asks, there's definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

@Michael1979: Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not "free ducks" and you're NOT allowed to take one

@Michael1979: Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@Michael1979: Pros of hiring me as a vet:
- Hard-working
- Experienced
- Reasonable prices

Cons:
- Have been dubbed "The Horse Murderer" by the press

@Michael1979: Important notice I stuck on a bench in the park today.