Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Michael1979's best tweets

@Michael1979 : Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not "free ducks" and you're NOT allowed to take one

@Michael1979: Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@Michael1979: Pros of hiring me as a vet:
- Hard-working
- Experienced
- Reasonable prices

Cons:
- Have been dubbed "The Horse Murderer" by the press

@Michael1979: Important notice I stuck on a bench in the park today.

@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful

@Michael1979: VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan's theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it's me

@Michael1979: At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

@Michael1979: Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

@Michael1979: There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

@Michael1979: Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman