Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You Might Also Like
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*