i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“i miss shittin on people”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
This made me chuckle.