I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!