it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives