@MichaelLarrick: Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."
@MichaelLarrick: I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
@MichaelLarrick: If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.