Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
You Might Also Like
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this