what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Beware of fowl play.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.