Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.