Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.