SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*