[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.