If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.