“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When someone trying to leave me
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”