No Google it does not
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.