I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs