GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
When the stylist spins you back around
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
when someone rings the doorbell
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs