I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
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Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation