I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports