Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers