From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.