Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mirimade's best tweets

@Mirimade : Being Tall: Pros: Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior. Cons: “Wow, you’re tall!” “Yes.” *repeat for infinity*

@Mirimade: Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@Mirimade: CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

@Mirimade: I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

@Mirimade: Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@Mirimade: Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@Mirimade: When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

@Mirimade: [In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the... where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

@Mirimade: Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.