Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
You Might Also Like
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Wednesday
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.