no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops