*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
choose your gary
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.