cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue