“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉