Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
this is so top tier i cant
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Who.
Did.
This?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.