[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag