I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle