When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off