🤣🤣💀
You Might Also Like
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
the answer was staring at me all along
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.