This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!