People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
BRO LMFAO
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.