Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“Great, now I have to pee.”