when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.