Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MollySneed's best tweets

@MollySneed : [tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

@MollySneed: [first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

@MollySneed: [puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma'am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

@MollySneed: Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.

@MollySneed: "I'm glad you're so normal. It's refreshing."
"That's me- totally normal!" *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

@MollySneed: I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

@MollySneed: Never tell someone that it would work out if "only they lived closer". Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.