Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)