Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MomOnFire's best tweets

@MomOnFire : MEDIC ALERT BRACELET: Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

@MomOnFire: If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you'll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@MomOnFire: *15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@MomOnFire: 6: Why don't you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

@MomOnFire: Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

@MomOnFire: I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

@MomOnFire: Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

@MomOnFire: So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@MomOnFire: The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@MomOnFire: Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.