Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MomOnFire's best tweets

@MomOnFire : I'm starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

@MomOnFire: One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I'll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

@MomOnFire: After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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@MomOnFire: No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@MomOnFire: Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn't invited to.

@MomOnFire: If you don't clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@MomOnFire: Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there's like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@MomOnFire: Them: You're burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I'm worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@MomOnFire: H: Something's wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding...
M: Haha, no.

@MomOnFire: Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue