Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MomOnFire's best tweets

@MomOnFire : Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

@MomOnFire: It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@MomOnFire: Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

@MomOnFire: I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

@MomOnFire: When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you're a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

@MomOnFire: MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

@MomOnFire: If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you'll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@MomOnFire: *15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@MomOnFire: 6: Why don't you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

@MomOnFire: Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.