Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MomOnFire's best tweets

@MomOnFire : Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn't invited to.

@MomOnFire: If you don't clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@MomOnFire: Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there's like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@MomOnFire: Them: You're burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I'm worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@MomOnFire: H: Something's wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding...
M: Haha, no.

@MomOnFire: Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@MomOnFire: [etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

@MomOnFire: Granny, pay attention and don't panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.