@MomOnFire: Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
@MomOnFire: So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
@MomOnFire: The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
@MomOnFire: Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
@MomOnFire: Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
@MomOnFire: Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to "steal" as many as she wants.
@MomOnFire: Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she's 8. I want to write down your exact words.
@MomOnFire: My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.