Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mom_Overboard's best tweets

@Mom_Overboard : Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It's ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you're safe.

@Mom_Overboard: dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you're not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

@Mom_Overboard: Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

@Mom_Overboard: *arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I'm sorry ma'am. Your boyfriend didn't make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80's.

@Mom_Overboard: [on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: ...too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: ...all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you're pregnant okiloveyoubye

@Mom_Overboard: If I ever faint in front of you, don't panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@Mom_Overboard: [during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@Mom_Overboard: Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

@Mom_Overboard: [during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that's not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it's all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

@Mom_Overboard: When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it's hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, "Excuse me, you're making a mess. You've been here for hours and if you're not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave."