Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mom_Overboard's best tweets

@Mom_Overboard : Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues. Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people. Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

@Mom_Overboard: [taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

@Mom_Overboard: Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

@Mom_Overboard: Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I... I can't tell

@Mom_Overboard: A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

@Mom_Overboard: [the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what's he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn't it.

@Mom_Overboard: Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

@Mom_Overboard: Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I'll get an Uber

@Mom_Overboard: Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I'm the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

@Mom_Overboard: Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*