Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MommaUnfiltered's best tweets

@MommaUnfiltered : I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@MommaUnfiltered: *7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

@MommaUnfiltered: *My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We'll have to use asparagus.

@MommaUnfiltered: A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

@MommaUnfiltered: Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn't matter! I'd trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@MommaUnfiltered: Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

@MommaUnfiltered: Murder was so easy in the 1800s... little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

@MommaUnfiltered: This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

@MommaUnfiltered: [Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn't make the team*