@MommaUnfiltered: Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
@MommaUnfiltered: Murder was so easy in the 1800s... little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
@MommaUnfiltered: This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
@MommaUnfiltered: [Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn't make the team*
@MommaUnfiltered: I'm at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters... I understand why you want to see my ID.
@MommaUnfiltered: It's so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
@MommaUnfiltered: If you start your emails with "Greetings" let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.