Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MommaUnfiltered's best tweets

@MommaUnfiltered : Me: would you trade me for a younger woman? H: oh honey age doesn't matter! I'd trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@MommaUnfiltered: Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

@MommaUnfiltered: Murder was so easy in the 1800s... little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

@MommaUnfiltered: This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

@MommaUnfiltered: [Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn't make the team*

@MommaUnfiltered: I'm at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters... I understand why you want to see my ID.

@MommaUnfiltered: It's so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

@MommaUnfiltered: If you start your emails with "Greetings" let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.