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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Any refunds available?…
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen