“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them