How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.